Movie Review: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

*Warning* May contain spoilers.

So apparently, POTC4 has been receiving a lot of hate and I’m not sure why. I suppose a lot of people were expecting this movie to wash out the bad taste that the last two movies left. Look, this movie isn’t going to redeem the franchise. I think they tried to make it the best they could. Could it be better? Sure, but that can be said about anything.   

The story is a little disjointed, but it isn’t the bloated mess that was the last two movies. Things begin when Spanish fishermen discover a man (alive!) in their nets and he’s holding onto a map that leads to the fountain of youth. The Spaniards set out, thus kicking off the Fountain race. Unfortunately, it’s never disclosed on how that guy in the net managed to survive underwater for who knows how long, or where he came upon the map.

Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) is back, and no surprise, he’s caught in a bad place. He escapes the clutches of the British Monarch only to run into an imposter in a tavern. The imposter turns out to be a long lost love of his Angelica (Penélope Cruz). She has a ship. He doesn’t. So he joins up with her and her father, the voodoo pirate Blackbeard (Ian McShane) as they too search for the fountain of youth.

I’m going to butt heads with some of the criticism, such as the one saying this movie is preachy! Okay, just because there’s a cute clergyman (Sam Claflin) doesn’t mean this movie is trying to push Christian morals down your throat. Every time clergy boy got on his high horse, he was always knocked off by Blackbeard or Sparrow.

Everyone is weird! Jack doesn’t stand out! Well, everyone is a pirate, yes. Are they all weirdos? Eh, I’d say each has unique qualities, but Jack doesn’t get buried. You have Blackbeard who’s a badass mofo on one end, and then you have clergy boy and Angelica (to a lesser degree) on the other end. Jack treads in the middle, being selfish, but also showing a selfless side.

Also, there’s another theme to consider, in that all the characters are essentially true to themselves, despite trying to turn a new leaf or two. Blackbeard says “I’m a bad man,” and guess what? He is! He tries to care for Angelica as the one good thing in his life and – he can’t, he just can’t. Angelica lies in the beginning and, well, lies in the end. Remember Jack showing he could be selfless? Well – it doesn’t last. He may care for Angelica but he ain’t stupid. And Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) is, and always will be, a pirate, no matter what hat he wears.

It’s too dark! Now this I agree with. There are some scenes, like the one beach scene before the vampiric mermaids’ attack, where all you can see are silhouettes. And mind you, I saw this in 2D. Apparently, no one took into account that people will be seeing this film in DARK movie theater. D’oh!

You know how movies have that extra little teaser scene after the credits? My advice: Skip it. I usually really enjoy these teaser scenes, like the one from THOR, but this one was wimpy and too short. You can easily wiki it to find out what it is.

So the bottom line is: If you love these characters and want to see more of Jack Sparrow and his zany adventures, then you’ll enjoy this film (I think). If you want something new, refreshing, with a twist of lemon, then go find something else. I mean, c’mon, it’s a franchise, what do you expect?

I give Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides 3 out of 5 seafaring stars.         

Movie Review: Thor

So to kick off the summer movies we’ve got the thunder god himself. Now, I have never read the Thor comic books, so I can’t compare, but this was an enjoyable actiony flick.

The story starts with Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) hunting cosmic disturbances. A wormhole appears and amidst the chaos, they hit a guy. But just not any guy – it’s Thor! (Played by Chris Hemsworth)

The movie then backtracks to Thor’s day, where he’ll be announced heir to the throne of Asgard. But the party is crashed by ice giants. In his anger, Thor and his friends head over to the realm of ice giants to demand an explanation – and they end up almost getting killed. Odin (Anthony Hopkins) saves their asses and strips Thor of his power for his foolishness, and then sends him packing to Earth. And thus, we are brought back to the beginning – but not the end.

As an action flick, I say this satisfies, what with Thor tearing through stuff like it’s made of tissue paper. Although, there are a few points where characters literally pop out of nowhere. I know they’re gods and they can fly, but who knew they could instantly teleport, too? But that’s a minor itch.

A big itch is the forced romance between Jane and Thor, as well as Thor’s transformation from arrogant war monger to self-sacrificing hero. Sorry, but I just didn’t buy it. There wasn’t enough screen time between the two lovers, although there is certainly the start of something, but so far, all I felt was that they’re good friends. Also, he’s only been on Earth for a few days, would his personality dramatically change just like that? Of course, I suppose you could excuse it and say it was the power of love, but we all know that’s utter bullcrap.

Natalie Portman’s acting didn’t do much for this film either. Granted, her role isn’t as big as Hemsworth’s, yet, she really didn’t seem natural in this. I’m becoming convinced that Portman’s twittery acting style is better suited for more serious, drama films such as Black Swan, where her character faces a lot of tension. In Thor, she seemed to struggle with acting like a nice, intelligent scientist.   

Another itch: Thor’s friends. Aside from being completely cornballish, they didn’t add anything other than a bit of info dump and weak comic relief. I get it, everyone has friends, even the mighty Thor, but couldn’t we leave them out? They’re just embarrassing.

On the plus side, Loki (Tom Hiddleston) was awesome as far as villains go. Although I hear he isn’t true to his comic book character, I much prefer a villain with some conflict, which Loki certainly delivers. He is the god of mischief, after all.

I also enjoyed the blend science and fantasy, which made things somewhat plausible. Asgard is one of the nine realms, and transportation is possible between these realms via wormholes. Oh, and they even had robots! I love how the robot featured in this film was a throwback to Gort from The Day the EarthStood Still (both are huge androids and shoot lasers from their head).     

(left) Gort, (right) badass robot from Thor

Rating: 3.5 out of five thunderous stars.

Movie Review: Heavy Metal 2000

A few years ago, after getting back from Taco Bell, nachos in my hands, a former boyfriend decided to expose me to Heavy Metal the movie. I was stunned after watching it – not in a bad way, but just how different a movie it was (oh yeah, and all those inflated boobs). The gist of it is a collection of fantasy and science fiction short stories tied together by the mysterious Loc-Nar.

Reminiscing, I figured I’d check out the “sequel” Heavy Metal 2000, released in 2000. People gave it a bad rap, but honestly, it’s not as bad as I thought. It’s definitely a homage piece to the original Heavy Metal, taking some of the best parts and stringing them together in a coherent plot (which the original lacked). The story starts when a miner named Tyler (who faintly resembles Sternn) stumbles upon the ‘the key’, which is essentially the Loc-Nar incarnate. The key will open the fountain of youth on another world – the drawback – whoever holds the key will become insane. And in his insanity, Tyler manages to take over the mining crew ship and steer it towards his goal. But on the way, he pillages a village and kidnaps a girl. Problem: the girl has a sister, Julie, and Julie is pissed.     

Julie is the black-haired version of Taarna – except she talks, and boy does she have a personality. Julie is just another bitchy kick-ass gal, because God forbid there should be a nice heroine that can also kick-ass. Whereas Taarna’s silent treatment worked to her advantage, and I never disliked her or what came out of her mouth.

(left) Julie from 2000, (right) Taarna from original Heavy Meatal

 The animation itself is also a drawback, as it looks like a Saturday morning cartoon on Fox. The original had a very mature appearance about it and didn’t resemble anything that kids watched back then. Also, the original was beautifully bright, whereas 2000, all colors are subdued (I actually had to brighten Julie’s pic because it was SO dark).

There is violence, lots of it. Guy gets a bullet through his head, brain splatter, guts hanging out. The sex, however, is pretty tame, mostly breast fondling, which causes it to feel like a kiddie movie that has been upgraded to adult status, rather than a movie made for adults.

The CGI blended in worked for the most part, although there were a few spots where it stuck out like a sore thumb. I did enjoy the scenes with spaceships coasting through metaspace, very lovely.

The music, a trademark of Heavy Metal, was rather bland and didn’t put oomph into the scenes. But then again, I prefer music from the 70’s, 80’s, so nothing in this movie connected to me like how it did in the original.

I suppose in the end, nothing can compare to the original, it was groundbreaking at the time of its release in 1981. However, 2000 movie isn’t horrible. The plot is decent (despite the inconsistencies), and the action pretty cool. Although I recommend seeing the original first before this.

Rating: 3 out of 5 stars.    

Review - Battle: Los Angeles

A veteran unit of marines goes into battle against an unknown foe, led by a grizzled sergeant and a freshly-minted rookie lieutenant. From the petrified private, to the shell-shocked corporal, to the tough-as-nails air force sergeant, the characters find themselves in heavy combat, fighting for their lives. As the casualties mount, the reluctant Sgt. Nantz steps up to lead the squad from harm's way, protect a handful of civilians, and find a way to defeat the enemy -- all while facing the inner demons of his own past.

Oh. And there are aliens.